Chapter 2
Three days later on a cold Friday morning, Jen's funeral was held at Our Holy Mother Parish. The church was packed, as it was small, and Bryn sat in the pew behind Danny Currant, his son Will, and many more of their relatives. That morning, she had prepared herself for the funeral. She pocketed a handful of Kleenex and told herself that, should she have to cry, it would be okay.
The thing that kept her eyes dry, for most of the ceremony at least, was the thought that Jen wasn't actually in the coffin. It was too square and awkward to hold such a person as Jen. No, she couldn't be in it.
Will was a pall bearer.
He stood with his father, uncles and a cousin to escort the casket that held his little sister, his only sister to the hearse that would take her to her grave.
He took deep breaths. It was the only way he could keep standing, bear the weight of the wood and his sister.
How could this happen? he asked, and inside he was sick to his stomach.
He stood with his father, uncles and a cousin to escort the casket that held his little sister, his only sister to the hearse that would take her to her grave.
He took deep breaths. It was the only way he could keep standing, bear the weight of the wood and his sister.
How could this happen? he asked, and inside he was sick to his stomach.
At the graveyard, everyone gave their last respects. Mr. Currant and Will each placed a red rose on the coffin. The crowd dispersed and started on the way to the Currant home for lunch. Bryn could only watch her friend. She was in the ground now, ready to be covered. This was it. She would never see her again. This was the end.
Danny was cordial, but over all, the lunch was a solemn one. People guiltily picked through cheese and cracker platters, making sure they didn't take too much food, as Danny most likely wouldn't cook for a few days. Once he had eaten, Danny made his rounds, politely half-smiling and nodding his head as the guests offered their condolences.
Bryn could hear some of the younger children playing outside. She hated them for laughing.
She sat down at the top of the stairs after exiting the bathroom and surveyed the people downstairs. Everyone was calm. The crying had desisted, and as she watched them shake hands, hug and tell stories to one another, Bryn contemplated exploring the idea that was feeling its way around her mind.
Why not find out?
There would have been a good reason - or at the very least, a reason - that she would have taken her life. Jen had been through so much worse than anything that was coming to Bryn's mind. When she was seven, for instance, her mother ditched her family and ran off with a nineteen year old man named Marco. She hadn't made contact since. She was young though. She wouldn't have thought of suicide then.
Bryn leaned back on her hands and looked down the hallway. Jen's room was right there. No one was upstairs. She bit her lip indecisively and peeked through the railing. The guests were too preoccupied to notice her. She felt her heart jump as she stood up and tiptoed down the hall.
Touching the door carefully, as if it were made of glass, she pushed it open just enough to get in. She had been holding her breath and, not knowing what to expect, closed the door so, from the outside, it would look like it was fully closed. If someone did investigate, Bryn could just sneak into the bathroom through the adjoining door.
She looked around the azure coloured room.
It felt as if she was doing something wrong, standing in Jen's room. It was as if she wasn't supposed to be in there, that this was a shrine to the girl so many people loved so much. Her room was all that was left of her, it was all she'd be remembered by.
Bryn walked around slowly, as if she'd never been in it before. She took everything in as if each picture, each blanket, each bed post were pieces to a puzzle. She passed the dresser whose surface was a confused array of different sized picture frames of people she knew - Jen's friends, her brother and father, Bryn - and celebrities and models.
Picking up one frame, Bryn regarded it as the one she had given to Jen on her sixteenth birthday. The picture inside was from a photobooth. They were laughing together. It had been taken before Jen's depression symptoms became apparent.
She smiled, thinking back to what Jen had relayed to her that afternoon. "I think I'm in love with him, Bryn. I really do." Bryn slipped the picture into her pocket and started again on the room.
Touching the door carefully, as if it were made of glass, she pushed it open just enough to get in. She had been holding her breath and, not knowing what to expect, closed the door so, from the outside, it would look like it was fully closed. If someone did investigate, Bryn could just sneak into the bathroom through the adjoining door.
She looked around the azure coloured room.
It felt as if she was doing something wrong, standing in Jen's room. It was as if she wasn't supposed to be in there, that this was a shrine to the girl so many people loved so much. Her room was all that was left of her, it was all she'd be remembered by.
Bryn walked around slowly, as if she'd never been in it before. She took everything in as if each picture, each blanket, each bed post were pieces to a puzzle. She passed the dresser whose surface was a confused array of different sized picture frames of people she knew - Jen's friends, her brother and father, Bryn - and celebrities and models.
Picking up one frame, Bryn regarded it as the one she had given to Jen on her sixteenth birthday. The picture inside was from a photobooth. They were laughing together. It had been taken before Jen's depression symptoms became apparent.
She smiled, thinking back to what Jen had relayed to her that afternoon. "I think I'm in love with him, Bryn. I really do." Bryn slipped the picture into her pocket and started again on the room.
After surveying it once, Bryn focused her attention on the desk. I need something. Maybe a note. Maybe her diary.
She picked through school books and sheets of loose paper, and just as things were looking bleak, she came across a notebook that had 'GO AWAY' written in big black letters. Her heart leapt as she picked it up.
She opened to the first page.
'A warning,' it said in small printing, 'those who read a girl's diary are doomed to spend eternity in purgatory. THAT MEANS YOU BRYN NOW CLOSE THE BOOK.'
Bryn let the book fall from her hands as she jumped back. After a moment, she realized that the message had been written long before. For a second though, she almost believed Jen was writing it from beyond the (still fresh) grave.
"Stupid," she whispered to herself. Shaking her head, she opened to the middle of the book and began reading again.
'I guess he lied.
'I don't know what to write about but I feel I need to write. This is another of many days this year that I am sort of void of feeling. I know this is the only way I can say it. Bryn would never understand.'
Bryn shut it, needing to close the words off from her vision. Bryn would never understand?
She began to wonder if there was an ulterior motive behind this makeshift investigation. Maybe she wasn't doing the right thing. Was it for piece of mind or for want of information, the way girls want to know something just to know it. Would it make anything better? Would it change the fact that Jen was gone?
Am I bertraying her?
Am I bertraying her?
Bryn started crying. She was caught in a trap like an animal and found the only way to remove herself would be to gnaw her body free. In order to understand the motives behind her friend's actions, she would have to go into a place she might, in regular circumstances, not want to go. She would find out something that, as she stood in the cool room after the funeral, she didn't really know that she wanted to find out. Maybe it would be better to preserve Jen on the lighted pedestal she'd been on all these years.
Either way, she thought, wiping her wet cheeks, I'm going to wish I would have done the opposite of what I do. If I do this, if I look into the darkness she had been in, I could find out that Jen wasn't everything, but if I leave it alone, I'll always wonder.
That was enough. She couldn't let it eat at her for the rest of her life. She could live with a new view of Jen, but she would forever regret not knowing why her best friend took herself frome everyone.
Bryn picked up the notebook and slipped it under her shirt then wrapped her arms around her stomach to hide it. She was about to leave just as someone pushed the door open.
"Bryn?"
"Oh, hey Will."
Jen's brother moved to her friend then to the bed after an appreciative hug near the desk.
"What're you doing in here?"
"I... uh... I just wanted one last reminder of Jen," she said, pulling the photo from her jeans.
"Oh. Okay." He turned to her, but looked beyond her. She could see he had been crying. "I sat in here almost all night, waiting for this to be over. I wished she would come in and yell for me to get out. I'd rather she yell at me than what I'm left with."
Bryn joined Will on the bed and leaned her head against his strong shoulder. "It doesn't seem real."
"Life is amazing in its cruelty, huh?" He half heartedly lauged, continuing to stare where he had been while she was standing.
"You don't have to try to be strong just because I'm here, Will. I already know you're strong."
"Thanks, but I don't really want you to go home and have your last thoughts of me to be of me crying." He smiled. "Besides, if I lose anymore water from my body I'll dry up."
Bryn nodded in response, lost in thought. How is he being so strong?
Either way, she thought, wiping her wet cheeks, I'm going to wish I would have done the opposite of what I do. If I do this, if I look into the darkness she had been in, I could find out that Jen wasn't everything, but if I leave it alone, I'll always wonder.
That was enough. She couldn't let it eat at her for the rest of her life. She could live with a new view of Jen, but she would forever regret not knowing why her best friend took herself frome everyone.
Bryn picked up the notebook and slipped it under her shirt then wrapped her arms around her stomach to hide it. She was about to leave just as someone pushed the door open.
"Bryn?"
"Oh, hey Will."
Jen's brother moved to her friend then to the bed after an appreciative hug near the desk.
"What're you doing in here?"
"I... uh... I just wanted one last reminder of Jen," she said, pulling the photo from her jeans.
"Oh. Okay." He turned to her, but looked beyond her. She could see he had been crying. "I sat in here almost all night, waiting for this to be over. I wished she would come in and yell for me to get out. I'd rather she yell at me than what I'm left with."
Bryn joined Will on the bed and leaned her head against his strong shoulder. "It doesn't seem real."
"Life is amazing in its cruelty, huh?" He half heartedly lauged, continuing to stare where he had been while she was standing.
"You don't have to try to be strong just because I'm here, Will. I already know you're strong."
"Thanks, but I don't really want you to go home and have your last thoughts of me to be of me crying." He smiled. "Besides, if I lose anymore water from my body I'll dry up."
Bryn nodded in response, lost in thought. How is he being so strong?
Her breathing was slow, but her heart ached and fluttered at the same time. After a pause, it was Will who spoke.
"So how are you holding up?"
"Nowhere near as good as you."
Will looked at the floor, guilty. "Well it's all an act I guess. Dad doesn't want me to go to pieces in public. He wants me to keep up an appearance around his brothers."
Bryn swallowed loudly, her pulse pounding in her ears. "You're not around them now."
"Yeah, actually everyone left."
"Really? What time is it?" How long was I up here for?
"So how are you holding up?"
"Nowhere near as good as you."
Will looked at the floor, guilty. "Well it's all an act I guess. Dad doesn't want me to go to pieces in public. He wants me to keep up an appearance around his brothers."
Bryn swallowed loudly, her pulse pounding in her ears. "You're not around them now."
"Yeah, actually everyone left."
"Really? What time is it?" How long was I up here for?
"It's about three. It stopped raining."
"Oh, I hadn't notived it was raining."
Will's hand slipped off the bed, and upon returning it to it's place, he overlapped her hand. Bryn sat up straight. Kiss me, kiss me.
Immediately ashamed of her momentary elation, she said, "I should go." Will moved his hand and stood as she did.
"It was good seeing you. Shitty circumstances, but good seeing you. I didn't realize how much I missed you until just now," he said, staring into her soul.
"I missed you too," she said.
There then stood an awkwardness as there sometimes is when saying goodbye. After a few dodged movements they hugged. Bryn found herself locked in an embrace, a place where she gladly stayed until Will pulled away.
"Will what are you doing?"
"What is this?" He had felt the notebook through her shirt.
"Nothing," she said quickly, crossing her arms and moving back.
"Seriously, what is it?" His face was hard and unmoved by her guile.
"Nothing. I said it was nothing. It's nothing," Bryn snapped, defensively.
"Is that something of Jen's?"
Damn.
Bryn sighed disappointedly. For a while it meant so much to have something of Jen's in her arms, especially something that meant to much to Jen. She pulled the notebook out and held it in the air for him, defeated. "I just wanted something that might... I dunno. Am I a horrible person for wanting just a little piece of my best friend?"
To her surprise, Will took the book. He set it down on teh desk and leaned against it.
"I think she wouldn't want anyone, even you, to read it," he said. He didn't look at her. He couldn't.
She went to him, and though she could feel the tears coming, she took his hand. When he looked up, he met her gaze. "I-I-" she started, uncertain of what she would say. Fortunatley, Will's asperity softened. "I'll drive you home," he offered, and Bryn smiled though the weight of the day was still pressing down on her.
"Sorry for trying to take the book. I didn't mean to decieve you. I just thought that maybe it would help me figure some stuff out. I really didn't mean to piss you off."
They were putting on their shoes when sounded a big boom of thunder. The lights flickered, but pulled through.
Will whispered to her, "I wasn't pissed off, I just wanted to give you a ride home."
To her surprise, Will took the book. He set it down on teh desk and leaned against it.
"I think she wouldn't want anyone, even you, to read it," he said. He didn't look at her. He couldn't.
She went to him, and though she could feel the tears coming, she took his hand. When he looked up, he met her gaze. "I-I-" she started, uncertain of what she would say. Fortunatley, Will's asperity softened. "I'll drive you home," he offered, and Bryn smiled though the weight of the day was still pressing down on her.
"Sorry for trying to take the book. I didn't mean to decieve you. I just thought that maybe it would help me figure some stuff out. I really didn't mean to piss you off."
They were putting on their shoes when sounded a big boom of thunder. The lights flickered, but pulled through.
Will whispered to her, "I wasn't pissed off, I just wanted to give you a ride home."
In the car as the blackened pavement rolled by, Bryn and Will sat staring out their windows.
"Thanks for coming to the funeral."
"I'd say it was my pleasure, but," Bryn started, shrugging, "you know."
"Yeah," he sighed. " I don't want her to be gone. It's just not right." Will tightened his grip on the steering wheel as his eyes began to fill with tears. "No one should die that young," he said, his voice shaking.
Bryn stared at him, her own breath starting to shake.
"I mean, what was so wrong in her life that she had to do that?"
"Will," Bryn exclaimed, unnerved by his tone and the fact that she had been thinking the same thing all along. He was the only one who had the gall to say it.
"I went through everything she did with Mom leaving. Half the time I wanted to kill myself but I wasn't a coward," he continued, now openly screaming through tears.
"Will!"
"I hate her, I just hate her!" he yelled through gritted teeth. They had been approaching a stop sign and he slammed his foot on the brakes to make up for lost preparation.
The car stopped and Will unbuckled and left it. he leaned against the car with his hands on his head. Bryn remained seated, breathing slowly, then after a moment of contemplation, joined him at the side of the vehicle.
"Will," Bryn whispered timidly. He looked at her. Neither need say more. They kissed.
It seemed like eternity and Bryn forgot her safe embrace with her mother, choosing instead to stay where she was. At last, they unlocked from each other and leaned on the car. Little drops of water were falling around them and had been for some time. Without a word, the two got back inside and started driving.
Will hesitated once or twice before saying, "I don't really hate her."
Bryn kept her eyes on the dashboard, noting how long it took for the windshield wipers to cross the window. She answered, "I know," without thinking. She was replaying the kiss in her mind. "I know you don't."
They got to Bryn's house and parked on the empty street. Bryn was about to leave when Will swung his arm to the back seat. He pulled out a jacket of his and pushed it towards her.
"Here. It's cold out."
Bryn smiled. "Thanks." She quickly slipped it on so that there was enough give to pull the back over her head. She left, closing the door without slamming it - although with Will's car, that was never possible - and Will ushered her along with a hand gesture that told her he would just close it. Looking back, she could see him leaning over the passenger seat. When the door slammed, she closed the door to her house and watched through a window as Will disappeared into the rain.
For a long time, Bryn thought about that kiss. It occupied her mind all day and realizing this, she thought herself to be rather wicked.
Jen had just died.
What was her mourning period? Kissing the recently departed's brother. She hated herself for only thinking of Will. her mtoher had since emptied the vodka in the freezer and another she bought a day later. Bryn discontinued caring whether or not she was the cause of the woman's drinking, but did as she always did and tried to hide the vice from her sister's youthful eyes.
Upset after another of her mother's binges and having not heard from Will for almost a week, Bryn refocused her attention on Jen.
She decided, since looking through the notebook was no longer an acceptable option, Bryn would peruse her own emails. There had to be something somewhere.
Bryn logged on and went straight for her inbox. A slough of both opened and unopened emails were lined up chronologically in front of her and she figured that sifting out irrelevent ones would cut her time down. She separated emails Jen had written her and the saved drafts of her won from forwarded messages. She was left with 16 emails since the beginning of April - she had mentally discarded anything before then, reason being that anything important would more than likely be in the last month or so. One set in particular caught her eye.
To: BrynBryn
From: Jennifoxy
Subject: Important
bryn we have to talk. email me back
"Dud," she said, moving on.
To: Jennifoxy
From: BrynBryn
Subject:re: Important
bryn we have to talk. email me back
ok what about?
PS don't send me one line emails. it's annoying.
"Dud," she repeated, hoping the next would prove success.
To: BrynBryn
From: Jennifoxy
Subject:re:re: Important
From: Jennifoxy
Subject:re:re: Important
Bryn was about to exit the email, motivated by frustration if nothing else. She scrolled down past everything she had read in the email's predecessors and continued when she saw Jen's reply.
it's about what we talked about before. how connor gave me that necklace. last night he told me what it was for. i don't want to say it on an email but it's important. remind me tomorrow on the way home. PS VERY IMPORTANT
Bryn sat back in the chair, trying to recall if she had brought it up. After a moment, she realized she hadn't. Before the forehead slapping could start, she saw a relatively new message. It was sent to her two weeks before, but remained unopened.
To: BrynBryn
From: Jennifoxy
Subject: my mother
bryn we have to get together sometime and actually talk. i'll call you later. i know you're busy with the play but it is important. you should be able to make time for your best friend. i'm about to contradict myself, but i have to be somewhere.
>
>
>
my mom called
keep your fingers crossed.
luv u
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